Skin- Alexz Johnson
“Falling apart, and all that I question,
Is this a dream, or is this my lesson?Oh, he’s under my skin,
Just give me something to get rid of him,
I’ve got a reason now to bury this alive,
Another little white lie”
Rachel stared at the ceiling as she lay in the lumpy, uncomfortable cot thing they like to call a ‘bed’ in isolation. She had been there, in that same bed, not moving and not speaking, since that morning. They had finally come for her after missing an entire week and a half of classes, therapy, and group therapy. They had sent notices through the dorm matrons, but she threw them all away. She didn’t care about school or therapy or anything, she just wanted to die. Simple as that. Death felt like the only option, the only escape from this hell now known as her life. She wanted to slowly waste away until there was nothing left of her. She didn’t feel like there was anything left, besides this shell, the physical part of her that was bound to waste away just like the rest of her. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing held meaning. Everything was empty, just like she was.
‘Rachel?’ she heard a voice say from somewhere in the room she was in, though it sounded far away. ‘Rachel!? Can you hear me, Rachel?’ the voice continued worriedly, sounding a little bit closer this time. When she still didn’t reply, she heard the sound of someone huffing annoyedly, before feeling a tap on her shoulder. She took a deep breath and slowly turned her head towards the direction the voice came from. She looked at the nurse that had been trying to get her attention with a blank, expectant look, not bothering to say a word. ‘Rachel, it’s time for your medication, dear. I’ll need for you to sit up,’ the nurse finished, smiling at her. She blinked once, before turning her head back to it’s previous position and pretending like the red-headed nurse didn’t exist. After a moment, she heard an annoyed sigh and some shuffling before she felt another tap at her shoulder. ‘Rachel! Rachel, sit up, you need to take your medication,’ the nurse said, in a serious, annoyed voice.
When Rachel still didn’t respond, the nurse, finally fed up with her non-responsiveness, grabbed her by her shoulder and attempted to lift her into a sitting position. Once she finally got her upper body where she wanted it, she propped her up with her knee, before grabbing her face and forcing her to look at her. ‘Listen, Rachel, I hate having to give you these as much as you hate taking them, but it’s regulation, so I have to give them, and you have to take them. No exceptions. So let’s not make this any harder than it has to be, okay?’ the nurse said to her in a stern, determined voice, before holding out the pills to her. She upheld her blank look as she slowly brought her hand up to grab the pills, placing them on her tongue, then grabbing the small cup of water the nurse had for her and washing them down. Once she had swallowed them, the nurse moved away from her, allowing her to lay back down. She moved into the same position she held earlier, staring at the ceiling just as she did before.
She closed her eyes, but instantly regretted it as images began flooding into her mind, making her snap her eyes back open as she felt a sharp pain in her chest, like someone had stabbed her. She turned over onto her side as she began gasping for air, as all of her worst memories began rushing back to her. All of the lonely days and nights she spent as a child all alone while her parents were too busy to make time for her, being left all alone again when Quinn left for Everwood, her time in the mental hospital after she tried to commit suicide, all of her fights with Quinn, all of her freakouts, and finally, the night in the woods with Edward, and all the days that followed up until now. She brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, the action which she had made a habit as of late, as tears began to run down her cheeks. She felt like someone had stuck their hand inside of her chest and ripped her heart out, leaving her to slowly bleed to death. She hoped and prayed Edward wouldn’t show up to take everything else. Although she wouldn’t mind if he just killed her, to put her out of her misery. She didn’t know why he didn’t do it then, why he didn’t just kill her while he had the chance. She’d choose death over this pain, this constant, agonizing pain. She wondered if he did it on purpose, if he wanted to see her broken this way. If maybe he did it just so he could take everything she had left, just to see see her eventual self-destruction.
She continued to cry, silent sobs wracking through her body as her thoughts slipped deeper into the dark place she was currently in, the abyss that threatened to suck her in and cause her to cave in on herself. She wished so badly just to disappear, to no longer feel anything, to no longer be. She wondered briefly if maybe she deserved this hell, maybe she had done something in her life to deserve all of it. There had to be some kind of explanation, some reason for these horrible things to have happened to her. How could this happen? She wondered if there was a God. If there was, how could He let this happen? How could He sit by and let this monster, His own creation, do these horrible things. Maybe He decided to turn a blind eye to her, or maybe this was punishment. She didn’t know. All she knew was that if there was a God, she prayed that He would take her out of this life, put her out of her misery. She couldn’t handle any more of this pain, this all-consuming pain that threatened to destroy her very being. She prayed to whoever would listen for relief, in whatever form it may come.
Rachel had had a horrible week. Vicki and Bonnie had been in and out and very supportive, but it did little to repress the memories and feelings she had to deal with constantly. She felt dead, as if Edward had not only used and abused her body, but ripped out her heart and soul and gutted her, leaving her with a battered and bruised body, but nothing inside of it. She felt like she was empty, hollow. Nothing held meaning anymore, and all she could do was watch time pass by and ache. She ached in a way she had never ached before, it was an all-consuming ache that started in her soul, and worked it’s way through her mind, body, heart, and throughout her entire being. She ached physically, mentally, and emotionally. She just… ached.
She stood naked in front of the mirror in the deserted communal bathroom for her floor in Haskell Hall, staring at her reflection in the mirror, looking at the slightly fading bruises and the empty look in her eyes. She wondered briefly what it would be like to just disappear. She felt like she was disappearing, in a figurative sense, but she almost wished she could actually physically disappear. She was disappearing, everything she used to be, all of the good in her life was all slowly disappearing, and she didn’t know if it was a good or a bad thing. She felt indifferent about it, she knew she didn’t deserve anything good in her life, she destroyed everything she touched, but she couldn’t help but feel the staggering loss at having it all ripped from her so suddenly.
She took a deep breath, turning away from the mirror and walking over to one of the showers, turning on the water as hot as she could take it and stepping under the spray. She stood there under the water for a minute, before slowly lowering herself onto the floor directly under the shower head, bringing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, burying her head in her knees as the hot water fell on her.
She didn’t know how long she sat there like that, just sitting there, silent tears streaming down her face as she thought of how fucked up her life had become. How damaged she was, how she couldn’t imagine how things could go back to ‘normal’ after this. She didn’t even know what normal was anymore, all she knew now was this chaos, these demons that were tearing her apart piece by piece, and she didn’t know how to get a grip on reality. She didn’t know how to dig herself out of this grave she had fallen in. She felt like she’d been buried alive, and she was scrambling to claw her way out as she was slowly being suffocated.
When she felt the water going cold, she finally mustered up the energy to pick herself up off of the floor and turn off the water. She stepped out of the shower and grabbed her towel, drying herself off before grabbing her robe and wrapping it around herself. She walked from the bathroom to her own dorm with her head down, making her way straight to her bed when she got inside. She crawled under the covers, laying on her side and curling up like a small child.
